Gayle – Episode 38: Lizard People

Gayle – Episode 38: Lizard People

let’s just put this whole town meeting
fiasco behind us we have you’re the only one still talking about it
I’ll admit exposing myself in front of the entire town while provoking local
wildlife was not my finest moment but I can fix this whoa what’s with the clumsy
ponytail? This is my hair. You look about one DUI away from starting a reptile
birthday party company I know you want me to look like an American Girl doll
the faces I do honestly at this stage of the game I’d settle for a Benicio del
Toro dog come on also you were the one with the poor
enough judgment to even have a reptile birthday party for me what like second
grade yeah those creaky men brought all those lizards into the house didn’t feel
so much of a party as it did a Precambrian home invasion it was the
nineties people okay we had our guard down it was a different time Bill
Clinton was playing the sax on TV and Rosie O’Donnell was firing Koosh balls
innocent Midwesterners and that justifies inviting a bunch of heavily
tattooed felon grade a bunch of pythons over your daughter your second grade
friends those guys definitely took the bundt cake for least qualified personnel
with the greatest job responsibilities they spelled reptile with two y’s on the
truck reptile mark and scaly squad yes I know and it wasn’t a truck it was a Geo
Tracker oh those companies even exist like what’s the thought process behind
launching a reptile birthday party company I think it goes a little
something like this I like animals but I don’t want to go to school also I have a
devastating ponytail I don’t know exactly how to say this but I think
those guys may have been hooking up with their lizards oh I’m sorry
yeah I got that impression – what are you talking about I don’t know how much
clearer I can say this reptile mark was dancing the wild pistachio with his
scaly slaw he was making love to us get he had a pretty suggestive elationship
with some of those lizards it was about the way he was riding a frog’s that
really tipped me off anywho back to what we were discussing
before the reptile interruption I’m not alone in what happened to Town Meeting
nay bonnie was up on that stage with me me and Bonnie fresh off a very deep very
public humiliation in front of the people of the new development the new
generation of North bred it’s going to be hard to saddle up to the new D and
make them see us as classy elegant and fun but we can do it if we do it
together my days of heartless and brutal competition against Bonnie are over
I bet Bonnie right now is in sitting in her loveseat twiddling our thumbs
anxiously awaiting my return so we can reclaim our glory we are far from
obsolete we can assimilate to this new age together mom is that Bonnie on a
razor scooter with the girls in the new development learn that trick on bus because you
really miss my Taylor Swift since she went on Spotify I’m mr. so I have to see
it wasn’t enough how could I sleep at night with the pain
inside front pages ripped up Spotify so I went on snapchat follow you back let’s
meet the name how Buddhist or just the new black what’s your favorite part I
like to call it a light champagne that’s a favorite part that’s not really part
ma’am you see screen with the man mom and
Instagram and Jimmy like a would be as limber I
can tell you and y’all look for ones when I tell you I’m gonna put a check I can change Oh come on girls let’s test aha your mom not around much these days
Brendan you must not be seeing her so much what with her becoming so close
with the Jenny’s you want some seltzer my god I’ve never been in Bonnie’s house
without Bonnie I’ve dreamt of this moment every night of my life
now that I’m finally here it’s like being at the video store paralyzed by
boundless freedom and endless possibility hi Wow mom proof so uh
Brendan must be pretty hard being abandoned like this mom’s been busy yeah
busy trying to keep one of her spindly kinko toes in the pop-culture titles at
all times why look I’ll be a friend to you but friends talk to each other right
where does body keep array of all passwords for journals and her secrets
okay maps I may have rushed into that a little bit let’s start small what’s your
favorite animal Brendan mosquito Oh Mason Ottawa please very old pigs music
do you listen to boyish it’s a journey tribute band why
not just listen a journey I don’t like it what do you want to be when you grow up
I want to own an H&R block or be an actress oh so this is how Barney cozied
up to the Ginny’s body you turned what kind of a coyote news this body
like a piece of ziti going down a slide and slippery
I knew that my friend bought it was a whole new toy but I didn’t know what she
was absolutely sticky what’s in the body bag today it’s been how like they do to
damage done to my frontal cortex by overconsumption of white chocolate chips
I forgot that the Carentan way street wide open hell is this William Howard
Taft renewed the North bread Historical Society has an annual event or the new
people in town ie the people from the gnudi visit us
settlers and New Balance around our homes asking questions about nearby
sushi places answer there are none this is New England my taste buds are on a
leash that extends no further east than Belgium the only reason I even know what
sushi is is because I once googled Japanese birthday cake Lord clean the house now now now people
who want this place looking like disney on ice in one minute
harry if you haven’t eat your bed throw it away it’s too late to make it now
company is coming get rid of the couches we can’t let people know we set the
chair you can be pushed in there cannot be any sign of living in this house I
don’t care if we have to throw everything out I want this place looking
like a new Mediterranean fusion restaurant by noon very good did not
have beds we need more pillows i driba cannot stress this and I need those
things looking good I need those things looking for I want
the toilet looking like one of those chairs from the men in black
headquarters read more bird feeders I need a bird feeder on every window no
they’ve been put seashells on the doorknobs we can’t have any clothes
anybody take off employees this is a dish towel we need a hand towel
what are we barbarians it’s too late David there’s muffins on the counter oh my god we have to go into the witness
protection program folks okay get out of the rescue again where’s my bad line Oh middle chair in the middle spot you
can tell because the grain is here down the middle it looks like route 495 no
this plate is all really welcome it cannot be in the middle oh my god oh
good the pony chute came off hahaha fish yes okay Cinderella getting your
butternut squash and get to third with the fringe okay
how does it feel you want to walk around the store David can I get the lesbian
plants out of here this is called a mud room for a recent widow in the coal
mines les there Judy ass munch and Garland’s ruby slippers I don’t want to
see him here put him in the Cubbies the pillows you losers I want these things
looking like microwavable popcorn bag three minutes deep yeah we should get
some backup chairs in case people want to sit I think there’s some in the
basement yes and that extra room down there I haven’t been in this room since
the nineties what do you mean lizard oh you mean the lizards lizard people
carry one of them’s wearing a baseball cap lizards are just shave birds shave
birds shaved birds paper together David it got to be left over from the reptile
birthday party we had for Terry back in the 90s
no so some human lizard hybrids have been living here without our knowledge
since the 90s no face the music David reptile mark was hooking up with his
lizards and some of their offspring slither down to our basement in own
living there ever since I need to be alone two very apparent that they
haven’t seen the light of day since 94 one of them had an open button up shirt
boy meets world style are they dangerous of course they’re dangerous animals just
tore my nose off back there we have open house in about 20 minutes how are we
going to explain the iguana boys hey Sufjan Stevens we’re not going to not
sound like Sufjan Stevens gave it when you get upset you sound like Sufjan
Stevens crying in a tree because an hour Plato’s French horn without asking hmm
we need to get rid of them before the open house right fucking free in the
woods gonna get hey could you two stop being such night pigs for one second
when you two are ready to stop being such absolute butter crumb salesmen
could you give me a rainy day have you lost your mind
they can’t be in society they know nothing of this post-911 age to them
it’s all biz and skip it’s do you want to tell these sweet lizard boys the
truth about Bill Cosby they think Tim Burton is as dark as it gets how do you
think they’re going to react when they see how little screen time Julia Roberts
gets now it’s Jennifer screamy or T Bob McNally or Jackie Jackie
doodles the dog doesn’t that’s labelled this tall birdseed baby honestly I don’t
know who’s big right now I know you only want to keep some
you can take them out of the Today Show become famous under you can’t wait to
present these wretched skank teenagers to mr. candy Couric himself on The Today
Show brave discover of a new species these
chameleons and carpenter genes will learn to accept me as their benevolent
and occasionally emotionally abusive leader Wow my body seeks me on the Today
Show she is going to sneeze so happy folks I
mean that little soliloquy just mumbled into the cabinet you just say it’s all
happy to tell I’m so nervous I’m about to have diarrhea and vomit
simultaneously it’s all happening I don’t think that’s what’s the case maybe
I’m just saying that because probably is that what Kate Hudson meant and almost
famous when she said it’s all happening almost famous was it out yet they don’t
want to need spoilers show that like okay we’ve got to be quick otherwise
I’ll run out and eat my husband yeah yeah that was a mailman ouch that one
looks like a Sikh at this time I’ll come to you – what Oh carrot sticks
my daughter’s got a crush on that lizard teri in birthing classes they don’t tell
you that one day your progeny may develop sexual feelings for a lizard
okay this is bad look family in spite of us harboring gigantic sentient lizards
we need to make our open house classier than Bonnie’s I just need to keep these
lizards off my mind and so this is my Steinway baby grand some days I just
play for hours I love it so for right through here is where we keep our
life-size geckos I mean our patio furniture and to me nothing says cozy
better than a good book comfortable loveseat in a sunny window to answer
your last question we don’t have any serpent to walk or talk so that’s great
I never asked you a question though are there any good sushi places around here
we actually see your basement um all the other basements in the neighborhood have
such unique designs of their basement space oh yeah you know we keep some of
you eight hours and you get carpet äj– finish it wonderful I just met you but I feel like we’ve
known each other for years Oh like I guess we sort of have and we
both lived in this house for our whole lives shine that you Smith I saying your
lizard boy have a bee girl loves Linkin Park this will never work time we’re
both outcasts shunned by society me for my love of break dancing in my
unrelenting body hair and and you for your human lizard welded DNA and and
your scaly scale type at times you may not be perfect for this world but maybe
we’re perfect for each other you know what to hell with what other
people think they’ll call us names they’ll say we’re crazy
let them maybe we are but goddamn it I want to give this a try i toto to my
daughter’s room oh jeez what the temper you nothing do not tell me you’re trying
to dance the wild pistachio with that lizard boy I’ll let you do it the tour
oh okay thank you so much any pressure we should get going yeah we’re actually
going out to the drive-in and tonight we’re gonna see good burger
right gotta love Kenan & Kel you guys must know about Kenan he’s only looking
especially I still can’t believe of the two of them Kenan was the one who made
it big and Cal hasn’t worked in years oh you know the musica teams are
listening to Oh baby we had years to come to term to factor key and make it
Cal didn’t imagine if someone just sprung it on you
excuse me like I was the clear choice for stardom okay well bye bye let’s go see see those blizzards falling for you very
suffers and even today public something about the nineties
I can’t think of anything from the 90s right now I’m too busy chasing my
daughter who’s chasing lizard ten Agers noob lizards like that movie right my
best friends would a group would effort singing acapella Cameron Diaz with the
playful Bob you know Paul Giamatti got his start in that film is the Marriott
hotel for Paul Giamatti is a recognizable name yet
oh hey girls Oh Jesus fuckin ether Jenny’s will you
be my boyfriend daddy the lizard’s think my daughter’s their
dad what you know wow yeah you refresh it
like that pile is murky but there ho Wow hi Daddy
oh come on I’m gonna top this gonna be alright whatever keeps them from eating
the jet you didn’t see anything here you’ll suck ups okay yeah
you never said any of that this is the right thing to do that’s a pro Cemetery
I would like to have unveiled them to the world for my own financial gain but
alas at the same time nobody needs her wants to see this shit
thank you lizard people I learned so much from you especially you about
myself boy Griffin Griffin don’t protect me get out of here don’t make this any
harder come on get out of here go on get out of here bye you guys go on
get out of here go on just go hi toto

Randy Schultz

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100 thoughts on “Gayle – Episode 38: Lizard People

  1. Xeno Foxx says:

    Hi dahdee 😂

  2. Giorgia Alexander says:

    I just realized that the Shape of Water stole this from you

  3. Kim Dargan says:

    is it sad that I can tell that the third lizard person is played by Chris because of how he walks in that final bit? them legs go so high it has to be him

  4. Autumn Taylor says:

    Looked it up, reptile parties are STILL a thing

  5. Autumn Taylor says:

    “David can we get the lesbian plant out of here?”

  6. Peachy Peachworth says:

    Dave screaming is the cutest thing ever XD

  7. Ann says:

    How old are those girls😂

  8. Amy c says:

    Bonnie's my favorite

  9. Gabrielle Rameriz says:

    THIS is where Gigi comes from???

  10. Jess Mustela says:


  11. Ashley The Shark Slayer says:


  12. eliminator jr. says:

    idk but at 4:56 gayle looks just like a character on the Fuccons

  13. farley pants says:

    'get OUT of here, DAD!'
    <:,U … im not your dad….

  14. String Cheese says:

    Lmao I can never get enough of gayle

  15. toni w. says:


  16. Katherine C says:

    Ok. The moment where Terry gets caught with the lizard people and a small snippet of Rob Thomas, “Lonely no more.” plays is the best thing ive witnessed in my lifetime

  17. King Charis says:

    dude where do they live? CT??? cuz damn its beautiful i wanna move there

  18. Jenny Walsh says:

    Ay toto

  19. Fauxe Fox says:

    "IT'S BEEN"

  20. Whaddup Chameleon says:

    Who else saw the new Chris Fleming video, decided to look up Sufjan Stevens, heard his music, thought to themselves “omg this sounds like Dave”, remembered that Gayle called Dave Sufjan Stevens in an episode, and then tried to find the clip, and that’s why you’re currently here.

  21. couchmermaid says:

    Gayle’s boobs look just so believable.

  22. Che Ching says:

    21:10 Gigi as in Gigi the Christmas Snake?

  23. It’s Summer says:

    What is the sound at 5:59 😂😂😂

  24. Dont_Know445 says:

    4:43 so that’s where fortnite got the slitherin emote from

  25. Basil In the Forest says:

    The Sufjan Stevens Crack gets me everytime.

  26. mary quirk says:

    Bill Clinton was playing the saxophone on TV lol 😂

  27. Lily Lily says:

    Fluff the pillows you losers!

  28. Eric Sundquist says:

    I Can Text may be the best part of the whole series

  29. Diana Johnson says:

    Not gonna lie I love Terry

  30. Terra SilverShade says:

    I can’t tell if the Jennie’s are actual children or not

  31. break necks i’m the chiropractor says:

    I aspire to be as hip as Bonnie and as Gayle as Gayle

  32. Swordbird says:

    idk how i feel about gigi’s origin story

  33. Anna Grace says:

    This is quintessential Chris Fleming. Company is Coming and Gigi the Christmas Snake

  34. Lauren Brandenburg says:

    I wonder if the millions of people who’ve seen just the “company is coming” bit would ever suspect the chain of events that immediately follow in this episode

  35. BaaFoKeemb says:

    This is the internet's magnum opus. I cannot imagine 20 minutes more perfect than this.

  36. Red Oktopus says:

    21:08 "oi gribbit gribbit, don't forget about me, Gigi"
    Gigi the christmas snake holy fucken shit

  37. S.E. W says:

    It’s Gigi the Christmas Snake!!!

  38. SomeWriter says:


  39. Ginny O'Keefe says:

    “I like animals…but I don’t want to go to school”

  40. Mary Sommer says:

    I wanna own an h&r block, or be an actress 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  41. Puppy lover says:

    20:50 idk why this was so funny but I couldnt contain myself

  42. Cydney Saltkill says:

    This has got to be my favorite one😂 jesus fucking christ

  43. Spacey Skeleton says:

    Tbh this would be a great Netflix show

  44. Janielle Hannon says:

    On my fourth rewatch of this series, and I just realized that you can see Gayle’s townhall meeting outfit in the closet at 10:38.

  45. Adrian Gibson says:


  46. Ambitionless7 says:

    8:07 Shayna getting her bike stolen and just reeling in defeat kills me every time

  47. Ethan Powderly says:

    Tag yourself

    I’m the one lizard running in circles, clueless

  48. iruem sung says:

    brendon is genuinely the creepiest

  49. Kuro Heart says:


  50. Drarry Rulz says:

    Loving that the tall lizard guy is Chris! 😂😂😂🐉

  51. maggie nissen says:

    “Nothing dad!”
    “I’m not your dad”
    Oops lol

  52. Kyle McCall says:

    Bonne Can Text is better than anything on Steven universe.

  53. chalupaking4 says:

    Watching on April 11th, 2019 – 4 years to the day after the open house

  54. Nicole Light says:

    This is the plot of Earth Girls are Easy

  55. Martha Tedla says:

    okay, okay., THIS is the funniest episode

  56. Timothy C says:


  57. Sarah Welstead says:

    "My tastebuds are on a leash that extends no farther than Belgium." so many fantastic lines in this.

  58. Taren-Layne Warfield says:

    you go on buzzfeed? yas queen!

  59. Tara Josem says:

    Oh my God, I had no idea this is the episode that 'Company is Coming' came from until I started watching it! That clip is how I discovered Chris Fleming's work! I've binged watch Gayle over the last few days and it's the hardest I've laughed in ages

  60. Sarah Kate Shore says:

    21:05 Gayle just fucking plants one on that lizard

  61. Nick Barker says:

    Mac Demarco looking great

  62. Nicoco Vivian says:

    0. So the third graders dint get a python???

  63. nicoco π says:

    0. So the third graders dint get a python???

  64. Chantal Mercier says:


  65. Ir Sk says:

    I have now only realised that I've seen the part from 8:34 on instagram

  66. savvycrafts says:

    Foolish of me to think any part of Gayle is grounded in reality

  67. Cuddling With Clouds says:

    11:20 David? Do my eyes deceive me? Since DAY ONE this has been a shoes off house.

  68. Ireri says:

    i recognize someone in this episode!!! wILD

  69. Amber Johnson says:

    Nnnnooonnnooo lizards

  70. Amber Johnson says:

    I say a little prayer for u

  71. Amber Johnson says:

    Dont forget about me Chi chi

  72. Abigail Angevine says:


  73. Fimbulvetr says:

    I'm not sure what exactly I was expecting but this one left a particularly…. lasting impression on me.

  74. kittycat kit says:


    I don’t know what I was expecting but this wasn’t it

  75. Dragon Scales says:

    If reptiles ever show up this is gonna be racist as hell

  76. Sarah Souser says:

    I wonder how much of the budget went to razor scooters

  77. Autumn Malick says:

    This cleaning scene is why i started watching EVERY episode of GAYLE💗💗😭😭

  78. Ryujin 713 says:

    The fucking "it's been" at 7:21 gets me every time


    Omg. The beginning of GiGi!

  80. Brittany Caron says:

    I feel personally attacked by the french horn I am suing

  81. JAEKO says:

    It's amazing how she made that french horn sound exactly like a synthesizer! Such talent!!

  82. nek0nek0na0 says:

    16:07 I loved toni Collette in hereditary

  83. Rocket Garcia says:

    Ok I need the ost album to drop bc Bonnie’s song

  84. amanda van brakle says:

    “oh god, they’re gonna eat the fuckin’ jennies.”

  85. Draziw Drow says:

    the orchid is not a lesbian plant, its name actually means 'testicle' in greek

  86. Kieran Jaymes says:

    it was the 90s, ok, we had our guard down.

  87. Kieran Jaymes says:

    bonnie is me being a camp counselor to 13yr olds i no longer understand the lingo of.

  88. Elise Sarli-Freeman says:

    Everyone in this are great actors

  89. Lolotov Spocktale says:

    "iiIT'S BEen-"

  90. Brailey Vine says:

    Gayle using Peggy Gousman's name as a curse word legit had me laughing for minutes on end.

  91. Brailey Vine says:

    The lizard in the full-body suit has to be Chris. No one else can do high-knees like that.

  92. Mika Hernandez says:

    I saw this clip on tumblr 4 years ago and it introduced me to this brilliant series. I was so hooked on this show that I missed my chance of going out with my crush when he asked me out.

    No regrets tho!…… (nope. I actually moped around and cursed at myself in front of the full length mirror every single day for weeks)

  93. TrM Pantrew says:

    Just the fucking all of this just fucking omg

  94. avery r says:

    chris deserves 1000000000% PERCENT OF THE PROFITS FROM SHAPE OF WATER

  95. Space ace says:

    Gigi Origins

  96. Hannah Sieber says:

    Is Gigi the Christmas snake a product of the reptile Birthday party?

  97. Mateo Primex 12 says:

    9:40 how every mom is with cleaning

  98. Basil In the Forest says:

    My mom thought this was Southern Mama and I was like "no mom,this is Gayle!" And showed her this clip and she almost cried.

  99. Matt S. says:

    This is probably the best episode of the series

  100. Gavin Rodgers says:

    I can’t stress enough how EERIE it is that gayle hangs seashells on her door knob like my fucking mother. It must be a New England thing.

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