DINOSAURS WITH GUNS! | Beast Battle Simulator #1

DINOSAURS WITH GUNS! | Beast Battle Simulator #1

*high tennn* Top of the morning to you, laddies! My name is jacksepticeye and welcome to Beast Battle Simulator! Don’t let this innocent looking cheesy little bit of a menu fool you! This is a game about war. War between beasts, animals, creatures of the dark who will come together and FUCK SHIT UP!! It’s time to get in and pit the world’s DEADLIEST creatures against each other So this is a game that looks like TABS – the Totally Accurate Battle Simulator and it just features, like dinosaurs and giraffes I saw a gif that had giraffes with gatling guns on their sides and I was like ‘send me off to space and wrap me up and take me home!’ Because that’s exactly what I want. Where are we playing? Uh, the plains, the grasslands, the dunes Mountains, tuuundra. Sunset, Colosseum, sun– uh, warzone I think we just go with the grasslands Grasslands seems good, that’s a good place to pit creatures against each other. Except maybe sharks. They don’t do so well on a grassland. Right. What the hell am I even doing? Animals Oh mother of God there’s a lot of them So this only has a sandbox mode right now. You can’t actually like go and do missions like you can in TABS. That’s fine. Oh my God, bombs… So I just have infinite money cos it’s a- Yup. Uhhh, we’re gonna put a Spinosaurus Oh, yesss Jurassic Park 3™, all over again! They wish they had this in Jurassic Park 3™ They wish…….. They had…… Can I? No, that’s just a mini-gun for the ground NO! No. I’m putting bombs on these bitches! (follow your dreams, Jack) Spinosaurus bombs! (Hell Yeah!) That’s what I’m all about. Suicide weapon, explodes when near enemies, killing the carrier. Damage is proportional to the wielder’s HP. Ohhh! OOPS! *Voice crack* Okay! and then we’re gonna have some, like, Stegos Over here, this is Team Black Stegos over here. And they’re just gonna come in, and they’re gonna MESS with ya! Okay. Let’s just start. I wanna see how this works. Oh, Yesss. The worlds most fearsome creatures, Meet each other…IN THE THUNDERDOME! *BOOM* *BOOM BOOM* (3x COMBO) *BOOM* (4x) OH GOOD GOD! They actually WON?! They look like they’re trying to eat each other. You’re not trying to eat each other, right? Third Day! Okay, Space Reset. I did NOT think they were gonna win. I thought they were going to get absolutely FUCKED. Okay. We have some dogs. Are they Dachshunds? Oh, YES! That tiny little munchkin leg army is going to be here to meshyup (mess you up?). Do we have any cats? You put dogs in, but you didn’t put cats in? How does that make ANY sense? I’ll tell you why… Because it doesn’t I mean they put lions in, they’re a type of cat Uhm… Let’s put penguins in. How many do I have? Eigh..Uhh….Thirty….What? Are-Are- You guys aren’t even. No, I don’t know what’s happening. START! FIGHT EACH OTHER! OH! The penguins go on their bellies! *Joyous penguin laughter* *More Laughing* OH MY GOD *Little chuckles* OHHHH NOOOO Oh dachshund run! Are you dead? I think he’s dead oooooohhhh no Oh I hit space shit I thought space was to go up okay, oh mother of god OOOOOHHHHH YES! *Jack tries to do sing the Jurassic Park theme* They do move in herds You’re going to have some flamethrowers Brachiosaurus *Still the Jurassic Park theme* Tri-care-a-flops (Yes this is how he says it) That’ll be enough That’ll be enough (again) I think that’ll be enough, I wonder what I’ll be puttin’ on you guys Some LASERS! Lasers for my trikes! There we go, there we go. Just paint it. *Laser sounds* Go my- fuckin’ hell THIS IS THE WEIRDEST GAME EVER *laughter* *Breath* (Jesus Jack, be careful) THIS IS AWESOME! FUCK EACH OTHER UP! What did I do? oh Can I- Can I control some a’ you guys? I FUCKIN CAN oh god oh god ohh god You sound like giant cows I’M FLICKIN’ MY HEAD I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH (x2) *Laughter* *Louder laughter* *Another breath* (Seriously Jack, I’m worried about you) IT’S A BREAK-DANCING ONE DID WE WIN?! This is the most OUTRAGEOUS thing I’ve ever seen in my life It’s amazing We have to get a good shot We have- we have a T-rex kay You’re gonna be there What could we put on a T-rex? uuuuummm Laze- shotguns Shotgun T-rex And then we will put aaaaaa Put some raptors on the other team The raptors are gonna have nothin’ Raptors are just gonna have to fight on their own See what happens Yess Look at this bad bitch Oh my fuckin’ jes*chuckle*us *laughter* *BREATH* HE WALKED ON HIS HEAD! *Very loud laughter* *Breath* (Somebody help him, I think he’s dying) What the FUCK?! Shotgun-a-saurus Rex don’t give a fuck Dark wins Okay, need a looooooooooot more raptors There we go There ya have it A lot more raptors HE JUST FUCKIN’ PLOWED THROUGH THEM DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT! Oh- OH THEY TOOK HIS LEG! okay you cared about that one These guys are all like “HI” “HI FRIEND!” “We killed him, HOORAY!” “HIP HIP!” “HIBUDEE DOO!” hmm What would go up against elephants pretty well? Giraffes? We have 13 elephants and 24 giraffes Hmmm Maybe to even the playing field again, a small bit Put you on light again There we go 16 vs. 24 I think that’s pretty good. *gasp* because we are gonna put some shit on you We’re gonna put some miniguns on the giraffes ‘Cause that’s exactly what I was promised when I saw this fuckin’ game And then we will put some cannons… Oohh my god ELEPHANTS WITH CANNONS ON THEIR BACKS LOOK AT THIS SHIT! OOHH OH OHH Absolute Anni-a- fuckin-lation *Laughing* What is this guy doing? *Breath* You’re dancin’ sir! *Giraffe impersonation* “HIII” “Ha we win! Ha ha ha” Oh my god Okay, they didn’t fuckin’ stand a chance I’m gonna have to cull the masses I guess this is because miniguns Oh my god YOU TOOK HIS HEAD OFF! YOU PUNCHED THE HIGHLIGHTS OUT OF HER HAIR! I think it’s cause miniguns are much MUCH fuckin’ stronger than cannons okay, okay okay I- I can’t remove just the miniguns, So I’m just gonna have to remove these guys altogether Now we’re gonna put down some giraffes again NO! SHOTGUNS! SHOTGUN-AFFES (giraffes with shotguns) THAT’S WHAT I CALL THEM PATENT PENDING! *Hand slams desk* DOIN’ IT! *Weird loud noise that sounds like hoy? maybe?* Oh.. no Oh you’re heads are comin’ off very cleanly. GET EM! FUCK EM UP! COME ON! FIGHT TILL YOUR LAST BREATH! THIS IS WHAT IT’S LIKE IN AFRICA! THIS IS WHAT GOING OUT IN SAFARI IS REALLY LIKE! Jesus Christ, you guys are A BIT TOO HAPPY ABOUT THE CHUNKS OF ELEPHANT THAT ARE GOIN’ EVERYWHERE! Dark wins Again. Y’know what the problem is? The problem is the cannons. The cannons can’t do shit. So y’know what we’re gonna do? We’re just gonna put… elephants vs. giraffes That’s it, that’s all there is. *Rubbing noise* JUST FIGHT! I DON’T CARE! *Lot’s of blood splatter sounds* HOLY FUCK! *More bloody noises* ELEPHANTS DON’T GIVE A SHIT! *Head ripping noises and also elephant sounds* OKAY! Aaauumm Learned a little somethin’ today. Giraffes don’t stand a chance Against elephants Um… right. I feel like we should just… be dickin’ around with some stuff Right, we’re goin’ for something big this time, I’m puttin’ down flamethrowers in the middle So that everyone has to go into each other’s territory and mess each other up So we’re gonna have some stegosaurus and some triceratops I feel like they’re a good combination Uh maybe triceratops should be in the front, it’s kinda like the the PIERCING head of the battle Y’know what I mean? Auuum we’ve 29 here Okay good, good good good And then we put some finbacks over this side And then you’re gonna mix with the clubtails Clubtails are kinda like- WHY IS MY NOSE SO ITCHY?!? Clubtails are like… Your kinda, your your your quarterbacks They’re just in there all about, they’re doin’ cool shit You guys are gonna have shotguns ‘Cause that’s what I deem necessary for you to have. You have a problem with it? TAKE IT UP WITH MANAGEMENT, FUCKERS! Umm, you’re also gonna have shotguns Feel like these guys back here are gonna have lasers, and then you guys are gonna have lasers OH I can put double on each! I can actually outfit people with lasers AND shotguns That’s too much! Science! You’ve gone way too far this time! Step right up, step right up It is TIME for the THUNDERDOME! *Belch* *Chest thump* ‘Scuse me TRICERATOPS AND STEGASAURUS GO HEAD TO HEAD Side by side against the finbacks and the clubtails. Who will come out emerging victorious in this, The beast battle to end all beast battles Place ya bets! This is what it’s like The future of science fiction Oooooh my god The stegosaurus just swinged their tails Ooooh oh shit is going down But the fucking club tails are coming in Swing it, SWING IT SWING IT BABY This- The- I don’t know actually how this is gonna end This is close I think the clubtails and the finbacks might have a chance of doing this No way, No- He went for it! He did the leap! He tried it! He’s the only one left alive though, it’ll be hard- He’ll be hard pressed to top this Can he do it all on his own? Mister Triceratops, he’s holding in He is down for the count, light wins everybody Oh wait, no it doesn’t He’s still count There we go, that’s the end Nope, nope, no it’s not You guys are like so dead- This dude isn’t doesn’t even have a head! Are you serious, the flame thrower’s (winning? *oh jack*) for them I- I- I- I know how you feel dude Ooh I know I know, yeah Just sitting there, this is, this is just life Thi- THIS IS JUST LIFE I don’t know- I DON’T KNOW IF YOU CAN HEAR ME Aw you’re so fucking cute I’m sorry that you died Okay. Let’s take out the flame throwers ‘Cause let’s face it they sucked Uhhh they didn’t really do anything Well they killed all the other dudes but only cause these guys are faster and got here first NOW let’s start the battle And see who’s really on top Stop, dragging your arse along the ground Niiiiice Niiiiiiiicccce Fuck yeah get stuck in! Fuck him up! The clubtails come in slow, SLOW but heavy hitters Coming in- MESSING shit up REALLY just taking an absolute HAMMERING To these dudes Oh Jesus Shit just went down, a bunch of clubtails just got taken out OH This could be the victory for- for the stegosaurus and the- and the trikes Oi What- What are you doing? Wha- Why? Why are you over here? What are you doin? Oh Ooh Ooooooh God, you’ve no head anymore! Well that was a pretty unanimous victory Barely ANY of these dudes went down Kay, I’m going for a fucking Jurassic Park 3 thing here Jurassic Park 3 Taught me That the spinosaurus Just broke a t-rex’s neck And my heart shattered Because I was rooting for the t-rex. T-rex was a fucking- childhood memory But no, a spinosaurus just came up and was like Crunch! Dead! Poor t-rex, You can do it buddy You can do it I believe in you Fuck that spinosaurus up! Fuck him up! YES Get underneath him! Eat his fucking legs! Get inside him? What- What’s your Just like that That’s all it takes Let’s see that, in an instant replay Let’s see, if thats the same thing again. He won again! T-rex is the BOMB Oh wait, there are challenges A large swarm of birds has ambushed your beast, take them down Oooh I’m silly Nevermind what I said at the start of the video People are alreading having commented saying “No Jack, there are challenges” Uhm, a large swarm of birds have ambushed your beast, take them down Okay. Soo I only have a certain amount of money, I have $1500 dollars So Let’s- Let’s get A bunch of dachshunds There we go This is gonna work For a very specific reason Oh I don’t have any gear Ooooh nevermind then, nevermind nevermind nevermind Fuck that I thought I could just put guns on them Uuhhmm What’s good at taking down seagulls? Bigger birds Bigger, ANGRIER birds Wait, isn’t this like super easy? They’re just seagulls OH Mother of christ What the fuck Look at the gorillas! I don’t even know what’s going on! Did I win? Awhhh he’s giving him a hug Victory huug Nice! We did it, that was- that was easy That was simple No problem at all No problem when you’re fucking Jackaboy! Uhm, weaponized pigs Theres a hair on my face GET OFF ME I- I’m actually able to afford mini guns on all of these This isn’t even a challenge This isn’t even fair. This isn’t even fair! Never-fucking-mind Oh my god Go oinkers! Go bacon!! Go ham-wise-gam-gi! (uh jack?) Ham-wise-ham-gi (changing it up?) AaaaaAaaaAAaahhhh Didn’t work Back to the drawing board With cannon you can and some flame throwers Cannon! YES NO No, it’s it’s – it’s not workin- no stop Wait! DId we do it?! Oinkerssss!! Pigly!! You did it! Ham-wise, he’s just sitting there like “Yeah, course I fucking did it, I’m awesome” What a little pig beast! Baby’s first soccer. Tiny animals are challenging to a game of tiny soccer. Win against them. Awhh it’s little dachshunds and pigs And something- oh, kangaroos? Oh i’ll win, I’ll win You guys don’t know But ahhh Ughh, uhh, gorillas.. are AMAZING! How much are gorillas? 90. Actually, no. You guys are gonna be the goalies. What’s fast? Penguins! Penguins are fucking marvellous at soccer Watch this shit Fucking Rocket League time

Randy Schultz

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100 thoughts on “DINOSAURS WITH GUNS! | Beast Battle Simulator #1

  1. captain Tattertot says:

    Why does this video give me a boner

  2. Bente log says:

    Nah Fuck it in my childhood spinosaurs are the winners and will always be

  3. GhostLordRetro says:

    13:47 That was ANTI-climactic. Get it?

  4. Herman Toftgaard says:

    Tabbs LOL

  5. Lolbit Attacks says:

    You mean Totally ackeret butt simerlater

  6. Kitty Cat says:


  7. drawing time! says:


  8. drawing time! says:

    well some giraph was drunk onthe job…

  9. Rainbow Shade says:

    You're face lol πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  10. Booqueephius420 says:

    Jack if it makes you feel any better irl, spino should have very little chance of winning agains a tree judging by its body stature feeding pattern and habitat

  11. charles galvan says:


  12. Jaden Brown says:

    spineasaures is a lot more powerful dislike if u don't agree and like if u do agree

  13. Jaden Brown says:

    20:15 lol look at the gorilla and gazelle🀣🀣🀣🀣

  14. Hendrik Nigrini says:

    Being an African, I can confirm Jack's statement between the Elephants and Giraffs are true ( not really )

  15. chunkgoon smack says:

    When dinos hit the blunt

  16. Clarice Vance says:

    I just keep repeating the start of the video

  17. GresMaster says:


  18. Timboy TNT3000 says:

    This video was epic

  19. Just Some Random Guy says:


  20. mastermind spring shark says:

    Klubtale finback no ankylosaurus and delopidons

  21. Lisa Bunch says:

    No cats? Because cats are our lord and savior and cannot be killed

  22. donovan broyhill says:

    DON'T READ THIS. YOU WILL BE KISSED ON THE NEAREST POSSIBLE FRIDAY BY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.TOMORROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. NOW YOU'VE STARTED READING THIS. DON'T STOP. THIS IS SO FREAKY.1. say your name ten times.2. say your mom's name five times.3. say your crushes three times.4. paste this to four other games.If you do this, your crush will kiss you on the nearest Friday.But if you read this and do not paste this, then you will have very bad luck.SEND THIS TO 4 GAMES IN 143 MINUTES. WHEN YOU'RE DONE PRESS F6 AND YOUR CRUSH'S NAME WILL APPEAR IN BIG LETTERS ON THE SCREEN. THIS IS SO FREAKY BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS LOL

  23. Mark Schroeder says:

    It’s a dinosaur laser fight

  24. Logan Maxwell says:

    BLUE HAIR!!?!?!?!??!

  25. Robert Bonfiglio says:

    2019, beat me suckers

  26. Maciej Dinosaur club says:

    Spino must win rex

  27. ZigZackGaming yt says:

    No the Hound looks like my dog!!how could you!!

  28. dubstep 23 says:

    War…war never changes

  29. ZigZackGaming yt says:


  30. Ethan Smith says:

    The Tyrannosaurus rex had the strongest bite Force of any terrestrial vertebrate. T. rex is BOSS

  31. CALEB BACON says:

    its like childhood sim

  32. CALEB BACON says:

    the armored "cluby" dino is Ankylosaurus, and the small fin lizard is Dimetrodon

  33. Corey Dotterweich says:

    4:02 trikeceraflops

  34. Matthew Able says:

    Who else couldn't stop laughing when Jack said Tricare of flops

  35. Anjani Ch says:

    16:17 oink oink motha fucka

  36. Spitfire XL says:

    20:50 What a Domino Effect

  37. Auste Paskiviciute says:

    This game is unrealistic bc a spinosaurus was the strongest carnivorous dinosaur, the trex couldn’t stand a chance against him

  38. MadnessOfCreativity says:

    2019 anyone?

  39. Void/anime ghidorah King of the void says:

    3:48 They do move in herds

    To kill

  40. Keion Yan2 says:

    Plz make more of this

  41. Chris Jones says:

    Do Shotguns on Raptors

  42. Tyler Jodeit says:


  43. Eric Shaw says:

    Penguins are never a mistake!!!

  44. Mary Lou Davis says:

    my name is trex (t-rex)

  45. foxy and the pups 2 says:

    Me at 17:53

  46. foxy and the pups 2 says:

    Me at 20:14

  47. viceroy1980 says:

    I hate your padapadapappadapadapada

  48. John Rose says:

    Jacks peewee voice is on point!

  49. Amigo Dubois says:


  50. DiskoKonvex says:

    2019 anyone

  51. format fortnite says:

    I like the spino

  52. Margaret Murphy says:

    2019 anyone

  53. the fnaf plusher says:

    Captain dinosaur: civil war

  54. DespacitoGamer69 says:

    The testosterone levels of this video are off the charts

  55. evilunicornface says:


  56. evilunicornface says:


  57. master Chief 117 says:

    Why the dogs

  58. KAMERON CHER says:

    I don't think it's smart to give Jack the power of creation

  59. Poodiepie Supporter says:

    The weird thing is that when I clicked on this video an Jurassic world game add came on

  60. Finnegan Leary says:

    I love your green hair

  61. Mr. Pumpkin says:


  62. durpyminecrafticewolfdragon potato says:

    MY GOD


  63. Caleb Noer says:


  64. Bianca ferreira says:


  65. animal discovery says:

    Names for the swine/the leader is captain swine

  66. edwin bray says:

    Dimetradon and ankylosaur

  67. D Stevens says:

    You lost to a dog

  68. RaptorSickleGaming says:

    Clubtails are also professional baseball players and professional golf players.

  69. Mas Tim says:

    No jack there are challenges

  70. Drago stand 20 says:

    4099 anyone

  71. AnemicBead 5 says:

    The reason why the spinosaurus won in Jurassic Park III is because it was a better version of the spinosaurus. A real one couldn’t beat a T-Rex but they had to make the spinosaurus the star of the show.

  72. The Cutie Snowy Pls Give Cookies To My Kitty says:

    (me) (watches this video) (thinks of beast battle simuliater)… (types "Beast battle simuliater" on Google play)…. WHY IS THERE ONLY SCP!!! 😀

  73. Sjoukje says:


  74. ZENG HO says:

    13:00 Jack, the reason he got stuck is because his foot got merged into the map, that's why he can't move

  75. ThE GuY ThAt TaLkS says:

    no jack there are challenges

  76. cayden mclain says:


  77. MarioGoneMad says:

    i have laugh so hard when the video ending my neck was sore for 2 days

  78. John Roe Cayunda says:

    20:15 had me dying πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚

  79. Lexaius Kenjiro says:

    i just thought of this game and started to rewatch all over again, and also who's rewatching this serious again in 2019?

  80. Tal Leib says:


  81. Angela Kulp says:

    Like. A. Booooooos

  82. Mike Hill says:

    when I heard you punched the highlights outta he hair! I started cracking up because its been so long since i've seen Scott Pilgrim

  83. the dragon king says:

    Africa attack

  84. indominus REKT. the kuul kad says:

    learned about spinosuares before trex so when i watched jurassic park i wished there was a spinosuares and in jurassic park /// <(three scraches) i LOVED it there was only one problem the trex died i was like holy shit in my mind spinosuares just REKT rexy

  85. Alpha Dragon1632 says:

    19:25 awww that’s so cute

  86. Albert Chandra says:

    Sanka u ded?

  87. Shanine Jackman1998 says:

    Whose watching in 2019??? πŸ˜†

  88. Ali Ayman says:

    Jack:*drifting sound*
    I DIED

  89. Dinomaster 4444 says:

    Jurassic park 4 the never seen type of Jurassic park

  90. Dylan Stoops says:

    There is a unit counter and money counter

  91. Krista Schneider says:

    I died when the tiny dog scored!

  92. Tasin Tajwar says:

    3:30 the t-rex was so savage

  93. loli Kanchou says:


  94. Delany Celocia says:



  95. Muffin time Plz i wanna die says:

    The elephant and giraffe was like dodge ball

  96. Al Born says:

    Club backs and fin tails

  97. Eve Havier says:

    The Spinosaurus is bigger then a Tyrannosaurus, In correct conditions the Spinosaurus would win a battle with a Tyrannosaurus. But alas, This is a video game. The realism of the world cannot be justified amongst a game, I mean no hate nor harm for anyone here. But logic is necessary to grow and stimulate the brain. Even if a Spinosaurus would not win in these conditions a game could not run all necessary actions to make it more realistic, The thought process of each dinosaur and animal would be a single action for a pc to handle. Speaking of actions for it to handle, If you have too many projects and windows open at the same time the pc WILL crash. I am defensive over this logic for the simplistic reason of nobody understanding how this fight would go down. You may not have all logistics of the game running without your computer WRRRRRRRRING at you the whole time, It could not run all these thoughts attacks and bone structures moving at once. Yes, The Spinosaurus has smaller teeth and ate more fish then land dinosaurs, But that does not justify the fact it has the capabilities of taking down anything else, Such as; Ankylosaurs, Tyrannosaurus, Triceratops, Gallimimus, Theriznosaurus. All if conditions were met, Having a full belly, Having the suitable terrain, And being in fit conditions. All I ask is for you to reconcile within yourself the meaning of your thought, And everyone else to accept these factors..

    Cya lads.

  98. Carlota Bongco says:

    Me to bruh

  99. NIP says:

    and they said africa had no money

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